


Wanda vs. Thor

by phoenixyfriend



Category: Age of Ultron - Fandom, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alcohol, Gen, Rakija, Shljivovica
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-14
Updated: 2015-07-14
Packaged: 2018-04-09 08:51:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4342037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phoenixyfriend/pseuds/phoenixyfriend
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Once upon a time, a rather small human woman managed to beat the God of Thunder in a drinking contest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wanda vs. Thor

**Author's Note:**

> I'm assuming that Asgardian liquor is at least partially strengthened by magic, because if the ABV was that high, it would taste like shit.

“That,” Tony pointed at the bottle in Thor’s hand, “is the liquor of the god-damned devil.”

Thor raised a brow. “Would it not be more accurate to call it that of the gods?”

“No.” Tony crossed his arms. “Devil wine.”

“I don’t know,” Steve grinned, “I’m good to drink it.”

Tony shot him a dirty look. “You don’t get an opinion here, Mr. Super-soldier.”

“Do I?” Natasha asked. “I’m Russian, we can take a strong liquor.”

“Not that.” Tony said. “I’ve had Russian drinks. That stuff’s worse.”

“I was going to agree with you, Stark, but if you’re going to be like that…” Natasha shrugged.

“Sam, Hill, Rhodey?” Tony turned to them. “Thoughts?”

“I try not to drink strong stuff.” Sam said. “So… no thanks.”

“And I try not to drink at all if I know it might impede my faculties enough to give me trouble in a fight.” Maria glanced at him over her glass of sparkling cider. “Ergo, no god juice.”

“I tried that stuff _last_ time he brought it out, and the time before that.” Rhodey reminded his best friend. “And I agreed with you then too, Tony.”

“I don’t suppose I get an opinion.” Vision said, and got a deadpan look from most of the room.

“Can I try?” Wanda asked, eyeing the bottle.

“You are… very small.” Thor tried to put it delicately. “And you are not enhanced like the good Captain. Asgardian liquor will have more of an effect on you than most.”

“You think I cannot take it.” Wanda folded her arms across her chest.

“Well… no.” Thor admitted.

Wanda narrowed her eyes, stood up and walked over to Thor. She held out her whiskey glass. “Pour it.”

“I don’t think this is the best idea.” Thor said again.

Wanda kept glaring at him, then set her glass on the table. “Fine.”

She walked over to the liquor cabinet that stood off to the side and pulled out a large, strangely shaped bottle with a wooden cross in it.

“Yeah, I saw that show up a few days ago.” Tony said. “What is it and why is there a cross in it?”

Wanda smirked. It wasn’t a very pleasant smirk. “It’s rakija. Very common drink back in Sokovia. Very common in most of the Balkans, really. And the reason it has a cross in it is that I got it off a Serb. They’re rather fond of doing that. Here’s a nice family joke… when you get to the cross, that’s when you know you’re in trouble.”

“So what you’re suggesting is…” Steve trailed off.

“Drinking contest.” Wanda’s eyes landed on Thor. “The god and me.”

“Now _that_ ,” Thor pointed at her, “Is an even worse idea than the last one.”

“One round rakija, one round Asgardian liquor.” Wanda sat down with two empty whiskey glasses, placing one in front of herself and one on the other side of the table.

“Are we taking bets?” Tony asked. “Because I am totally down to be the book jockey.”

“I’ll put money down on Thor.” Steve said. He shrugged at Wanda’s insulted look. “Sorry, but he’s a god. I don’t think you can beat him in a drinking contest.”

“Same,” Rhodey said, grinning apologetically at Wanda. Sam, Maria, and Clint followed suit.

Natasha was still staring at the bottle.

“I’ll put money down on Wanda to at least tie.” She said.

Tony glanced at her like he’d just realized that she knew something none of the rest did.

“I’ll put Widow down for the Witch and everyone else on our God of Thunder, then.” Tony snapped his fingers. “FRIDAY, write it up. Vision, you getting in on this?”

“I don’t have any funds.” The man shrugged.

Tony blinked and tilted his head. “SHIELD doesn’t pay you for the Avenger-ing?”

Vision shrugged again.

“Back to the contest.” Wanda drew their attention as best she could. “Rakija is meant to be drunk in small sips, very casual. But for a contest, we will drink like they are shots.”

“Fine.” Thor watched as the small woman poured the drinks, starting with her own bottle. “I doubt your concoction will have much of an effect on me.”

“Then on the count of three, we drink.” Wanda said, lifting her glass. “Živeli.”

“Cheers.” Thor responded, clinking his glass against hers. “One.”

“Two.” Wanda continued.

“Three.” They knocked back the drinks.

Thor came up spluttering. Wanda slammed her cup back onto the table and stared him in the eye.

“What is this?” Thor coughed. It wasn’t that he had trouble drinking it, but that it was simply surprising to find a drink on Midgard that had that… intensity to it.

“I told you. Rakija.” Wanda tilted her head. “Like I said, it’s very common back home. You offer it to guests when you invite them in, use it for religious events, all sorts of things.”

“Šljivovica.” Natasha added. “That’s the most common version. Plum brandy, essentially. It’s about as strong as whiskey, usually, but it tastes much stronger. Then again, some of the homemade drinks go up to eighty percent, so…”

“Oh shit.” Tony swore. “I had that stuff at a conference at the Tesla University in Belgrade once. I thought it was just a drink-to-get-drunk kind of drink, not a regular thing.”

“I…” Steve looked at the bottle in a new light. “One of the soldiers I worked with once used that to disinfect wounds.”

“Nat, is that stuff you once—”

“Yep.”

“Huh.” Clint crossed his arms and leaned back.

“Like I said,” Wanda smiled smugly, gesturing for Thor to pour the Asgardian liquor, “We have many uses for it.”

“And quite a few sayings circling around it.” Natasha added with a grin. “There was one about pizza, I think?”

“I don’t think the Captain would approve of that one.” Wanda watched Thor pour the liquor, though in a much smaller dose than the rakija. “Do you still think I am incapable of posing a challenge?”

“Perhaps not.” Thor pursed his lips. “On the count of three.”

“Three.”

“Two.”

“One.”

They knocked the drinks back.

Wanda smacked her lips. “It is sweeter than I expected. Is the alcohol itself charmed to be stronger than it should be? Or does the sugar simply hide the taste?”

“Both.” Thor admitted. “Asgard is a realm infused by magic to the core. It permeates everything, including the food and drink.”

“I suppose it’s lucky my body is so resistant to magic, then.” Wanda eyed her empty glass. “It has some effect. But not much. I am still affected by the alcohol, but not the magic, I think. Or I am, just simply affected less.”

“This is going to be a lot less lopsided than we thought it would be.” Maria commented, resting her chin on her hand.

“Rakija again.” Wanda poured the glasses.

“One.”

“Two.”

“Three.”

They drank.

“My turn.” Thor poured.

“One.”

“Two.”

“Three.”

They drank.

And again.

And again.

“I’m getting a little worried.” Clint confessed. “Is this completely safe?”

“Probably,” Natasha shrugged. “I’m not really too worried. If anything goes really wrong, we do have Helen on speed-dial and some very advanced computers that have access to a lot of medical information. If something goes wrong, they’ll be fine. And I really doubt we’ll need to take those measures.”

“You sure?”

“Yep.” Natasha snorted. “They’ll run out of alcohol before they get to that point, I think.”

Clint blinked and looked at the bottles again. “Holy shit.”

“Yep.”

“What’s the proof on that again?”

“The rakija? Most store-bought brands are between forty and sixty percent ABV. I’d expect that one to be about eighty proof.”

“That’s… pretty strong, for how much they’re drinking.”

“Yep. Like I said, it tastes even stronger than it is.”

“I remember, Nat.” Clint grimaced.

‘Aaaand they’re done.” Tony announced, drawing their attention back to the contest.

Wanda was a little red-faced and droopy-eyed, but that was the extent of the visible effects.

“I guess that’s a tie, then?” Tony glanced around.

“Stand up for a moment, please?” Natasha asked. “Just… just wanna see something.”

Wanda and Thor glanced at each other, shrugged, and stood up.

Wanda swayed and took an extra step to steady herself, but seemed to be expecting that.

Thor stood up, confident as always, and almost fell over.

Everyone tilted their heads a little.

“You expected that, right, Romanoff?” Tony asked.

“I figured it was a possibility.” She shrugged. “Sitting drunk and standing drunk are pretty different sometimes, depending on the kind of alcohol.”

“I feel ya there.” Tony patted her shoulder. “So, win for the witch, or a tie?”

“Does it matter?” Clint asked, “All the money goes to Nat anyway.”

“I want to know if I won.” Wanda pointed out. “You all thought I could not handle the drink.”

“Yeah, well you have a different kind of immunity.” Steve pointed out. “To the magic, but not the alcohol.”

“So did Thor.” Wanda pointed out, crossing her arms. “It is still a very strong drink, with or without the magic.”

Thor had, by this point, sat back down in his chair, looking incredibly surprised by his reaction to the drink.

“I don’t think he’s used to this sort of thing.” Natasha muttered.

“He’s used to magic alcohol and really weak non-magic alcohol.” Clint summarized. “Not strong non-magic alcohol.”

“We could give him absinthe.” Natasha suggested.

“I don’t think that would end well.”

“Probably not.”

Wanda crossed her arms and stood in front of Tony, who had somehow been assumed as the impartial judge on the basis of not having a stake in the bets.

“Um… well, the original issue was people not believing you when you said you could drink godly liquor, and you won that. The second issue was whether you could beat Thor in a drinking contest, which…” He bit his lip, “Considering you’re still standing and seemed to be more aware of what to expect for when you stood up, I think you probably came out ahead there too.”

“So I won.” Wanda wanted clarification.

“Yeah, kid.” Tony patted her on the shoulder. “You won.”

And that was how, once upon a time, a rather small human woman managed to beat the God of Thunder in a drinking contest.

**Author's Note:**

> Živeli - Cheers (Serbian)
> 
> \------
> 
> I have friends that, as college students, are greatly invested in the idea of drinking very alcoholic drinks on occasion. When I introduced them to rakija, they thought I was joking about how strong it was, because I don't drink. Then they tried it.
> 
> My 'literally works cleaning skeletons for a museum and is studying the fine art of "HOW DID THIS PERSON DIE?"' friend compared it to the cleaning fluid she used to disinfect tools.
> 
> Seeing as we watched AoU just a week or two before they tried rakija for the second time, we inevitably decided that Wanda could probably beat Thor in a drinking contest.
> 
> Ergo, this fic.


End file.
